Starting Over -- Back at Square One

I've heard people say that things come full circle.  Well, we've come full circle because we are back at the very beginning of the adoption process again.  We decided to go with the next closest adoption agency which is about 35 miles away.  This agency is affiliated with SWAN (State-Wide Adoption Network) so we will be limited to adopting a child from Pennsylvania only.  We mailed the registration form for the agency this week.  Hopefully we will be contacted soon to get scheduled for the mandatory training sessions and start the paperwork.  I downloaded the background check forms and have them filled out but I'm not sending them in until we officially start the process and are told to send them in.  They're only good for one year so I don't want to send them in too soon.  It stinks to have to start from the very beginning again but it's beyond our control so I'm not going to lament on that subject any more.  God is in control and even though we don't understand why we have been brought back to this point, we are trusting that this is what's best for us.  Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  We still believe God called us to adopt and we know He will work all this out for our good.  There's a phrase "good things come to those who wait".  Well, we certainly have been waiting so hopefully the "good" is coming soon.  I had my time of anger, frustration, tears, etc., but now it's time to re-focus on the prize.  My Mom suggested several months ago that I should write a book on this.  Even though I probably don't have time to do that, I think I'll give it a try some day.  This certainly has been a longer, more emotional journey that I expected.  It's been a test of my patience and at times, a test of my faith.  If my thoughts and experiences could encourage a future adoptive parent, then perhaps I will try to create a book someday.  I do print each of my blogs because I probably won't remember this by the time I'd ever sit down to write a book (some days I don't know if I'm coming or going!) Plus I wouldn't want to finish the book until I can end it with an adoption!  We thank our dear friends and families for the support and prayers and encouragement.  I especially thank my husband and my mother for listening when I need to vent my frustrations or to shed tears of disappointment and frustrations. Please continue to pray for us.

Ventured Off the Path

We are still seeking the Lord's direction on which agency to go with.  We think God had us set on the path to use an agency and adopt a PA child, but we think perhaps we ventured off that path when we decided to use a different agency that would allow us to adopt from any state in the US.  So we think God roadblocked that path and is leading us back to the original path He had put us on.  We are more than likely going to go with the agency we were originally going to use and adopt a child from here in PA.  But we're still thinking and praying.  We hope to decide soon so we can get started from square one again.  It seems like we may have no other option than to go with the original plan because the agencies that allow you to adopt from all the states is four hours away, and they're not willing to work with us because of the distance.  I hope to have another update soon.

A Screeching Stop

I thought we were going to be able to work through the national agency for awhile but that is not the case.  We found out that being on hold meant we can't get any information on children.  So the slow wheels of the adoption process have ground to a complete stop.    The reason is we are required to have an agency in Pennsylvania to work with, preferrably close by.  This is in case we would get a match we'd have someone fairly close to work with us.  The national agent is in the process of looking for an agency for us to work with.  So far it seems like the closest agencies are a 3 hour drive away (which is not recommended to have one that far away).  There is an agency about a half hour drive away but they only deal with children from PA.  That might be our only option.  Pennsylvania only likes to place their children with adoptive parents within PA.  This could be to our advantage meaning that we won't really be competing, so to speak, against people from all over the US; but adopting a PA child also really narrows down our choices (and therefore might make for a longer wait).  I've come to the conclusion that this will be a long wait no matter whether we adopt from PA or elsewhere in the US.  Once we find an agency, then we will have to start all over again -- fill out forms, do background checks, child abuse history checks, fingerprinting, do a new home study, get new physicals, go to training, etc.  So at this point, we really don't know what we're doing or where we're going.  Everything is up in the air right now.  We were frustrated before with the slowness of the process.  But this latest turn of events has given new meaning to the word frustration.

Coming to a halt

We've gone from a snail's pace to a complete stop. Over the weekend I got an email from our local adoption agent saying she was closing her agency due to financial difficulties and that we'd have to work through our national agency.  I was a little disappointed but thought it wouldn't be a big deal.  But then last night the national agent called.  She asked about our search because she hadn't heard much from us.  I told her I had been emailing the local agent since May requesting info on about 75 kids and hadn't heard any information about any of them.  I was under the impression from the local agent that I was to notify her if we wanted info on a child, but I came to find out after talking to the national agent last night that we were supposed to notify both the local and national agents.  Great!  Now I feel like I've wasted the last 10 months of searching.  Then she tells me we will need to find another agency here in PA to work with.  The next closest agency only deals with PA adoptions (right now the agency we had been working through allowed us to search the entire US).  So she's going to help us try to find another agency and I'm going to start looking too.  I doubt very seriously we will find any place "local" since this is a rural area.  When we find a new agency, we will more than likely have to re-do our homestudy and that entire process all over again.  Our current homestudy expires in May so I guess it's not a huge deal to redo it earlier than that but it's very annoying.  We have been placed "on hold" until we locate a new PA agency.  I don't think we can inquire about kids now because of being on hold.  We will probably have to wait until we find a new agency and get a new homestudy done.  Today I thought about going through a private agency but the fees can be outrageous.  We are seeking the Lord's will and guidance as to what our next step will be. I briefly wondered if God shut the door on the adoption but I don't think He would bring us all this way to slam the door in our faces.  I think this is just a road block and He will detour us around it.  I'm trying not to get discouraged because I know God is in control.  I'm holding firm to my faith that God will give us a daughter and I'm trying to wait patiently on His timing.  He works all things out for our good so He will work this rough patch out for us.  We'd appreciate your continued prayers for our family as we face a small challenge in our journey to adoption. 

An unexpected phone call

We got a surprising phone call from our national adoption agent asking us if we wanted a baby girl.  This was a shocking phone call because the national agency didn't normally deal with babies.  She said there was a newborn baby girl born in Michigan and the adoption was through a private agency.  There would be a fee to that private agency.  She said the baby was tested for Downs Syndrome and they wanted to place her before the test results came back.  I said I'd need to talk to my husband first and asked when I could let her know our decision.  I was told I would have to let them know in a few hours.  So I called Scott and we talked about it.  Several factors kind of scared us, as well being rushed into a decision.  We decided to pass on this child.  We weren't expecting or planning on a baby, the thought of Downs scared us, and there wasn't any time to really think about it or to pray.  When I called to say we decided not to go with this child, the agent told us they never hear of babies unless there's a severe handicap.    

Encouragement

At the end of January of this year, we attended the annual Pennsylvania adoption matching reception in State College, PA.  This was a conference where all the counties in PA set up display booths of the children in their county who were up for adoption.  This was our first time attending and it was a bit overwhelming at times.  Of course, we headed straight for Ivy's caseworker's table first since we were really interested in 7 year old Ivy.  After speaking with her caseworker, it seems like we won't be considered for her because that county is adamant about placing her with a family with no children or children over the age of 10.  I think I heard the clicking noise of God closing the door to Ivy.  The remainder of the evening I was pretty discouraged and just wanted to go somewhere to cry.  But I kept myself together and continued around with my family stopping at each table.  We took our two sons with us, mainly because our babysitter had gotten snowed in that day, but it actually turned out to be good for them to go with us.  After all, this is a family decision and they need to be a part of the process, plus it gave them a chance to remember that they are blessed with a loving family and that there are children out there who don't have what they have.  We stopped at one table and was handed a picture and brief description of a girl in our age range.  I felt a little intimidated to talk to yet another case worker and was almost to the point of breaking down in tears.  I had been working very hard to keep it together.  I almost didn't speak to the case worker.  I think God put Gloria (the caseworker) there to encourage me at the moment when I needed it the most.  Gloria was so sweet.  She was very honest and told us that this long waiting period is very normal.  She said we completed phase 1 of the paperwork/homestudy, and now we're in phase 2.  She told us not to think of this phase as "waiting" because that sounds negative, but to think of it as "looking." She said we are looking for our daughter.  She told us that we are searching for our treasure and we're not going to find our treasure just lying on the ground -- but that we need to search and dig for her.  She talked with us for about 15 minutes just encouraging us.  She even said she'd pray for us.  She said she knows we'll come back to next year's matching reception holding a little girl's hand to show her our daughter.  I can't thank Gloria enough for the encouragement.  She's right about "waiting" being negative.  It does change my attitude to think of this phase as looking and searching for our treasure.  And I thank God for placing Gloria there at the right time.  I felt a lot better by the time we left.  Even though we had a few pictures when we left, none of them really seemed like "the one."  As we were leaving I told Scott that our daughter might not be here in PA.   I will continue to pray for Ivy to find the forever family that's perfect for her even if it's not our family.  I did decide that I can't allow myself to get so emotionally attached to a child's picture like I did with Ivy, because it just rips your heart out if the door closes.  I have a feeling my heart will be ripped out many more times along this journey.  I know God has our daughter picked out for us and we will keep searching until He leads us to her.  

Will it be like that?

I just watched a show on TLC network called "Adoption Stories".  Most times it deals with international adoptions, but today it dealt with a family in PA who adopted a girl from the foster care system just like we plan to do.  The little girl talked about what her life of neglect and abuse was like, and they interviewed the foster family who talked about what condition the girl was in when she came to their home.  Let me just say it put me in tears.  I have heard these kinds of stories and I know my daughter-to-be has probably gone through similar circumstances, but seeing a child describe it just broke my heart.  I couldn't help but think "what has my daughter gone through?"  It just makes me want to bring her here to our home even faster.  I just want to hold her and tell her everything will be alright and that she'll never have to go through anything like that again.  The show was only 30 minutes so they didn't go into a whole lot of detail about their process but they did say it was  long and difficult  They even talked about when the honeymoon is over and the girl started having tantrums, etc.   We've heard about this too. The show ended with showing them in court signing the decree before the judge for the official adoption.  They did mention that it was official 7 months after she moved into their home.  I can only wait until our day comes.  But first, I'd just like to know who will be my daughter.  It's hard going into stores and walking through the girl's department and not being able to buy her anything because I don't know who we will get.

The Wait Goes On...

We're still waiting to hear even a microscopic bit of information.  We're holding to the verse of Romans 8:25 which says "But if we hope for (or look forward to) something that we don't yet have, we must wait paitently and confidently."  It is very hard to wait patiently but we are confident that the Lord has a daughter out there for us.  We're hoping that 2009 unites us with her.  We had a fun time of roller skating at the end of December with some other adoptive families.  It was great to meet the families that we've communicated with through email and we rejoiced with one family who brought their daughter home earlier that day.  I learned at the end of the evening that you don't try to be a "hot dog" if you haven't been on skates in 20 years because when you boast to yourself that you haven't fallen all evening -- then that's when you hit the floor with a very hard thud!  (And need to go to your chiropractor the next day!)  Despite me finding out just how hard a cement floor is, we had a wonderful time and we hope that the next skate party includes our daughter.  Later this month we will attend a "Matching Reception" where we will be able to view more photos of available children and hopefully meet with some caseworkers.  Maybe we'll even find  a match. Please continue to pray for us and our search for our daughter (and please pray for her too!)
 

Haven't Heard Anything But We Had Fun

    Well, as usual, we still haven't heard any news or information yet.  However, over the weekend we had a lot of fun.  We went roller skating with other adoptive Christian families that we have been networked with through an email support group.  It was really nice to meet the faces behind the emails and meet the kids.  It was Erik's first time on skates and Michael's second.  Scott and I haven't skated in over 20 years.  I was doing great until, with 15 minutes left until it ended, I made the mistake of thinking to myself how I hadn't fallen at all the entire evening.  Well, before I knew it, I was down on the ground and feeling very sore.  I decided it was much safer to be going slow with Erik! 

    Please continue to pray with us that we will be matched with our daughter soon!
 

Waiting, waiting, and more waiting

Well, we still haven't heard anything yet.  This process is extremely long, slow, and frustrating!!  I just wish we'd hear something soon!